Calm in the Chaos

Hello again!

It has been a while since my last post, January in fact. I have missed writing, though life has been very busy and it was easy enough to just let blogging and writing slip to the side.

Right now I’m exhausted, though somehow I feel compelled to write – even if I do not know how or when I will finish this post!

In the last 3 weeks I have had only one day off work, and as you can imagine, life has got rather chaotic in the process.

Running a business alongside my husband, taking on extra event work on weekends, working a second job, being a Mum, “attempting” to stay on top of the washing and cleaning pile, and remembering to take a moment to breathe in among  it all!

It has been almost a month since I have completed a full grocery shop for our house, finding only time for a few top up shops when I can.

My patience wore thin days ago, and it seems as we get more exhausted, the kids tempers begin to rise and they test their boundaries and commence on a long stream of tantrums.

I have found myself lying on the kitchen floor in pure exhaustion more than once.

Though in among  all the chaos and rushing and stress, I have found calm. I guess I have had to.

Over the years, I have learnt the hard way that whilst I see myself as a people person, I need the odd moment alone, just by myself to recharge my batteries. I think in my job especially, where I am serving hundreds of people a day, I take on too much of their energy, and a times that can leave me very drained.

So I need to find calm- and it needs to be only in a short space of time, it really is not as hard as it sounds.

 

Just a moment stepping outside can do the world of good, above are all photos I have taken recently from my own yard. Once you take the time to open your eyes to all the wonderful things around you, it is amazing what you can find.

Reading a bit of my library book at the end of each day (if I can) helps me relax, so does any little activity such as arts and crafts that I do not need to prepare much or think much (like drawing).

Making myself a cuppa and forcing myself to sit down to drink it can recharge the batteries.

Going for a walk to the park with the family.

Though one thing I have done recently that is new to me is just being.

Getting to that point in which you do not want to do anything, talk to anyone, read anything or think about things. All you want to do is simply just sit, and be.

Sometimes it is hard when everyone else around you wants a piece of you and wants to chat, and sometimes it is impossible to find a quite place just for yourself, but the moments that I have done this, it has helped greatly.

Silently sitting in the one spot, being mindful taking deep breathes and taking the moment to just be calm.

Well I have to rush now, need to wake the kids up, and deal with all the other rushes of the day, I am hoping that the double shot coffee I just had propels me along for a while before I need my next caffeine hit.

I do not really have the time to proof read this post, and I fear in my sleep deprived haze it may only make sense to me, but I’m hitting publish anyway.

Take care everyone, and I hope that whatever Chaos is currently being thrown at you in your life, you are able to find some Calm, even if it is just a moment.

A new beginning

Tomorrow my baby starts school

Where did that time go?

It seems to have flown faster than it did with my eldest, as she was home for an extra year, missing out on starting school the year before she did by a small 10 days.

There was a time in which I thought I would never get a full nights sleep again.

Changing nappies and dealing with teething babies seemed to go on forever……. and then it became a thing of the past.

People told me when both of my children were babies to remember that it did not last for long, it seemed like it was forever at the time, but now on the other side, I realize that it really was just a short window of mine and their lives.

I am thankful that Noah is excited about school, that makes this new beginning so much easier, and I am also very grateful that Kiara is excited about embarking into Grade 2.

A quick trip to the supermarket today to pick up some supplies for back to school lunch boxes soon became the social event of the month, with countless amounts of familiar faces in there. One fellow Mum confided that her son refuses to even talk about school, and other friends have told me that their little ones have been so anxious about this next step in life.

And it is a big step, for parents and kids.

Tomorrow is also a new beginning for me personally, as I set back to full time work.

Whilst I have had many part time jobs to assist with our family income in the years since becoming a Mum, including setting up our very own business with my husband. I have not had the opportunity to return to full time work until now.

I have been grateful for the time I got to spend with both of our children before they embarked into their schooling life, and I am so excited for both of them as they continue to grow and develop into unique, individual human beings.

It is going to be a big ride for us all this year, I am sure there is going to be many afternoons with exhausted family members, and a new routine to get into for all of us, not to mention the drama of getting Mr Noah to keep a pair of shoes on for an entire day!

As we stand together on the precipice of a new beginning, I am both nervous and excited.

It only seems like yesterday that I held both those little people for the first time in my arms , and now I am sending the last one off to school.

In a way life is getting a little easier, but it is also getting a little harder (not to mention more expensive!)

Regardless, as we stand here together, I am not going to mourn the end of an era.

I am going to celebrate new beginnings.

I feel so very fortunate and grateful to have been such a huge part of my children’s first years, and I feel so proud to watch them continue to grow and prosper.

Tomorrow I will  probably shed a tear, but the tears will not just be sad ones.

There will be proud tears in my eyes, for my kids and us.

We made it.

To new beginnings.

I can’t make you love me.

Life would be so different had my sister not passed away.

But she did.

There would be a teenage girl out there with a Mum to watch her graduate from school.

There would be a lady in her 60’s, who had not been made to Mother her Granddaughter.

Maybe her hate for the world would not be so strong.

Maybe she wouldn’t hate me.

I would still have a sister, she would have got to be a Mum for longer than 2 years.

She would have got to be an Aunty to my kids, a sister in law to my husband.

A sister to me.

But life does not always turn out to plan.

My beautiful sisters body slipped from this world after a brave battle with cancer.

A toddler needed someone to care for her- My Mum took on that role. A hard one anyone would admit- no one wants to outlive their children, and no one expects to have to raise their own grandchild.

Life since my sister passed away became a roller coaster.

I grieved in private.

Mum grieved in public.

Neither way was the right way- but sometimes the fact we did things differently led to confusion with each other.

As the years went by, I met my husband, moved out of home- and out of my sharing role as caregiver to my niece.

We had her come for sleepovers, and tried to assist as best we could.

Little girls grow up into teenagers, with minds of their own.

Tensions soon rose, and an extra generation gap made things hard.

We offered to take my niece on, and into our home.

We thought we were helping, we thought we were giving them both a break, we thought we were going to allow Grandma and Granddaughter to work on being just that.

We thought wrong.

I was accused of kidnapping, of taking a teenager on in hope of making extra money.

I was degraded and put down and shut out.

I was belittled and yelled at.

It hurt.

It cut deep inside me.

I thought I was helping.

It seemed others felt differently.

I live in a fairly small town, and the words and whispers about what was being said about me got back to me regularly.

I would be honest in saying some would hurt so much that they would leave me huddle in the corner for hours in a mess of tears.

I became depressed, and prone to panic attacks.

This was no ones fault- I had just been trying to be strong for too long.

After 8 months my niece ran away from our home- no goodbye, no “lets keep in touch”, no reasons.

It hurt.

It really did.

It especially hurt my two kids who loved and adored their cousin and did not understand why she no longer talked to them.

She moved to her Grandparents 2000 kms away.

She deleted me off Facebook, stopped following me on Instagram and ceased all contact.

This was almost a year ago.

2 weeks ago she came back for a short visit to see some friends and attend a party.

I heard from other people.

There was no phone call, no “lets catch up”, nothing.

It hurt.

It really did.

Meanwhile, my Mum is still painting me as the most negative person she knows.

She tells others that she attempts to contact me, and I shut her out- she doesn’t.

We attempted mediation.

4 hours of facilitated mediation was more of an excuse for the woman who brought me into the world to label every little minute detail of what she hates about me.

Some people are Motherless Mothers due to their Mum passing away.

I am a Motherless Mother because mine wants nothing to do with me.

I cant make her love me.

That makes me sad.

I worry about her health.

About never regaining a healthy relationship with her.

I worry that my kids have 4 Grandparents in close proximity, and not one is an active part of their lives.

There is a young Woman in the other side of the state either about to, or already having Graduated from school.

No doubt she will look stunning in her formal gown.

It will be a special night for her.

I held that girl when she was 2 hours old, changed her nappies, read her books and sung her songs to go to sleep.

She was a huge part of my life, and a little reminder of my sister who is no longer here.

It makes me sad that she does not want to be in my life anymore.

I can’t make her love me.

I worry about my Mum too, health problems, being lonely and of all the things left unsaid.

Time got to the point that I had to ask for respect.

I had to say I was worth more then being put down and ripped apart.

The comments still flow through the pathways to me.

For a long time I let them slide off my back, but at times, like now they hurt me.

The tears have flown a little too freely of late.

I cant help that it hurts,I cant make that stop.

I cant stop wondering how different things would be had my sister never passed away.

Oh how I wish she never left us- but she did, and I cannot change that.

I also wish I had a functional relationship with two very important people in my life.

But I don’t.

I just need to accept that I can’t make someone love me.

It hurts.

But it is real.

I can’t make you love me.

I wish I could.

But I can’t.

Beauty

I told my daughter today that she had a beautiful heart.

This comment left confusion on her face.

“But you cant’ see my heart Mamma, how do you know it is beautiful?”

I told her that beauty is not always the things we see.

Beauty is the things we feel, the nice gestures we do for others, and  the gentle way in which we talk to, or treat other people.

Having a beautiful heart and soul simply means that you are a lovely person.

To yourself and to others.

This made her smile, and she went on to tell me a story in which she shared her book at school with a class mate who did not have one.

She told me how happy this made him, and how she felt good to help someone else and share.

I was pretty proud that my little girl had got the concept of having a beautiful heart.

The whole topic of Beauty, and how it is perceived by various people has been on the forefront of my mind, after I listened to some random woman ring into the radio station yesterday and remark that she is so gorgeous that she can never find any men to date whom are in the same league of looks as her.

I was really saddened by her comment.

In looking at the cover, or shell of people, and in making such a huge emphasizes on looks, she was missing out on interacting with so many potentially amazing people.

I think she is probably also missing out on experiencing real life.

While self confidence is awesome,

Being full of yourself most certainly isn’t.

Once again I am brought back to my sisters favorite saying, which is inscribed on her headstone:

Such simple, yet such true words.

As always, one simple topic left my mind whirling in many directions and many thoughts.

I thought about what beauty really is, and how society puts such a huge emphasis on looks rather than what is inside.

I wondered what a list of beautiful qualities would be.

There are many.

I came up with some:

I think a person who gives unconditional love is beautiful,

Someone who is generous and kind,

Gentle with others hearts and feelings, yet not allowing people to walk over them.

A person who will lend an ear when another needs someone to listen.

A person who sees the good things in the world, even when the hard times are happening.

I do not think a beautiful person is perfect- no one is.

I do think that imperfections and experiences in life add to a persons internal beauty.

A smile that has struggled through tears is beautiful.

Courage in the face of fear.

I think of all the people who many think that their beauty has somewhat been tarnished by life.

Those with internal scars of heart break and loss,

Of hurt and despair,

And those who have been disfigured or marked in some way by either an accident or disease.

So many people think these marks that life has left on them or in their souls makes them less beautiful.

So many people think that these moments or experiences have simply left them scarred.

I look at people whom have come out the other side of adversity,

Who have fought and won a huge battle.

So many people are made to feel that they are full of scars.

I stopped for  a moment in my deep circle of thoughts and came to the realization:

These are not scars

They are beauty marks.

The Reward Chart

Being a parent is one huge roller coaster.

You think you have one area done and dusted: the sleepless nights, the teething, the toileting, a fear,a goal, and then BAM! another hurdle pops up in your way.

I have found Motherhood about learning and changing as my kids also learn and grow.

To be honest, at times it is bloody exhausting!

Of late my two have been bickering and fighting so much it has almost driven me insane!

That on top of the normal hurdles such as getting ready in time in the morning, or getting them to have a bath, brush their teeth, get ready for bed without asking a million times.

I am putting my hand up to say that parenting is damm tough at times.

It does not help when others try and tell you what you are doing wrong, rather than support you.

It was time to introduce a rewards chart into our home- we have had many before, and I have to be honest in saying they have just ended up falling to the wayside, or not working due to me not being so consistent, lets be honest, it adds another thing into the mix of modern day juggling.

Something had to happen though, and I was over losing my shit, so I decided to implement a behavior chart into our home again, but do it different this time.

Previously the kids would just get random ticks for great behavior, and when they collected a certain amount of ticks, they could pick something out of the rewards box.

On looking back at their completed charts, they could not remember exactly what the ticks were rewarded for, and purchasing enough rewards to fill a box ended up getting expensive, and most of it was crap that just broke anyhow.

So I decided to make it more clear and concise.

I found a great site with many templates here.

For my 7 year old daughter, I used the Hello Kitty template, and for my 4 year old son, we went with Spiderman.

I chose the template with 5 sections, and I broke them up in the link  below:

RESPECT:        * Respect for other people

                           * Respect for belongings

                           * Respect for different opinions

 

ACTION:           Doing all the daily actions I need to get organised eg: getting ready, brushing teeth, making bed, having meals, unpacking school bag, ready for dinner, bath time, bed time etc.

 

HELPING:      Helping Mum and Dad with chores

Such as cleaning up dishes, sweeping floor, hanging

out washing , getting van ready.

 

KINDNESS:        To myself and each other:

Understanding the we each make mistakes and be

Able to support each other and our differences.

 

BONUS!:    Get a tick for doing something awesome! 

reward chart guidelines

Image from here

With 5 sections over 7 days, the kids have the opportunity to earn up to 35 ticks a week.

I have set out a goal of 25 ticks, and if they get to that goal, they can choose a coupon.

These include:

A trip to the park /beach/creek

A family picnic

A tea party

Make a cake

Arts and Crafts morning

Movie night

Half and hour of uninterrupted parent time with parent of choice

Lunch out

I have done up approximately 20 different coupons, and will be sure to change them up and add more as time goes on.

Different families would have different ideas for coupons.

I realize that I have been making too many empty threats.

We do go to the park and creek a bit, but now I am telling the kids they need to get their point in order to do this, and in some cases, they can use their coupons together for something extra fun, like a trip to the beach followed by lunch, or a tea party followed by a movie night.

We started the chart this week, and not once have we been late for school.

Teeth are cleaned before I have to ask twice.

The kids are running to get into bed on time for a bonus point,

And the school bags are being unpacked with lunch boxes put on the sink without asking!

I am hanging onto this for as long as it works, and I aim to be more consistent this time.

I feel less stressed, and the kids are enjoying working towards goals and cheer when they get points.

There is still fights – kids will be kids, but they are not enough to make me want to run away.

As I said, we are still in early days, but even if it only gives me a week reprieve, it is worth it!

Added Note: Week 1 of the Reward Chart was completed today.

We have wiped off a few points over the week for some bad behavior, but I am proud to say both kids have earned at least 25 points each!

As a celebration for an awesome week one, I took the family out for morning tea.

We still have loads to work on, and as we all know, no one is ever perfect, but the increase in great behavior in our house and the smiles on our kids faces for positive reinforcement has been great.

Fingers crossed now we continue on this path.

Have an awesome weekend all!

Alicia

Getting My Grateful Groove On.

So I have been a bit up and down of late, been sick, been over thinking, letting other peoples stupid opinions get to me.

I have been spending a bit too much time thinking about what is going wrong, rather than celebrating what is going right, so it is time to get that Gratitude Groove On again!

I think it is time to make this a weekly event, don’t really have the time to go back to posting daily like I did in my 365 Gratitude Project, but think it is important to keep the great stuff on the front of our minds. (Feel free to share yours with me too please!)

So here goes:

I am grateful that it looks like our foster cat Amber has found a wonderful forever home.

I am Grateful to witness Noah seeing a cane harvester up close, which was wonderfully organized by a friend.

Noah wants nothing more then to have a job driving cane harvesters when he grows up, and as you can see the smile on his face was amazing- and boy those machines are HUGE!

I am grateful for experiencing new, fun things with the kids.

We got to go riding on a Biscuit on the back of a friends ski boat on the weekend.

I was so proud of how brave and adventurous both kids were, I admire them for that, as I remember how new things always scared me as a kid, and I was often left wishing I had participated rather then letting fear take over.

I am grateful to live in an awesome part of the world, even if it is heating up this time of the year, and will only get hotter from here on in.

I am Grateful that the kids are helping out more, whether it be with dinner preparation, or odd jobs for our little business, each little bit counts.

I am grateful for escaping it all and going camping with my family and friends on the weekend.

While there is no chance to fully switch off completely when you have kids to supervise, I did find myself just sitting and taking it all in, not feeling the need to do anything other than that, it was a nice feeling to just be still for once.

(The Baileys around the campfire were rather nice too!)

I am grateful for the gorgeous bunch of flowers a beautiful friend gave me.

My favorite  flower- Sunflower, and for over a week they made me smile whenever I walked past them.

The kind gesture in itself touched my heart too- Thanks beautiful Kel xoxo

I am also very thankful for the beautiful little package that arrived in the mail today from the lovely Angie from Ramblings of A Mamma Just Tryin To Find  her Groove. She made me the most gorgeous cross stitch Fairy, and I am bummed that the photo will not upload for me, so I will have to share it with you next week, but I do have to say that getting a package from the other side of the world and sent with such love and care made my day- Thank you Angie xoox

I am also Grateful for the hard work and dedication my husband Jamie does for our new little business.

It has been a full on whirlwind 5 months with that, and he has worked his heart and soul out in it, giving 100% every day, and while in the interest of being honest, we have had our fair share of work place dramas, it has been great seeing our hard work and determination pay off together, and creating something of our own.

I am also very thankful for his new routine this week of making me a fresh Mocha and the kids a hot chocolate each from our Coffee Van before he sets off for the early morning run- it is an awesome start to the day.

I am grateful for Friends who become Family, and Family who are Friends,

I am Grateful for making our own path,

For Believing in what seems the impossible.

I am Grateful for Courage, for Strength, and for recognizing the difference between a bad day and a bad life.

I am Grateful for making yummy fruit  slushy’s  at home, and finding them refreshing AND healthy on a hot, sweaty day.

And lastly, I am Grateful for you readers, whom, despite me not being around as much, you still tune in and stick around and understand that life is busy.

I hope each and every one of you has at least 10 things you can be grateful for in the past week, and if you are willing to, I would love if you could share them with me 🙂

Let us each walk our own individual paths.

I have been watching from a far lately, and as always, this has led me to do a bit of thinking – this time it is not that type of over thinking that ends up making problems that are not there.

Of recent times, I have constantly been presented with people giving opinions on how others live, or choices they make in life.

And you know what?

I’m a bit over it.

I am not going to sit here and pretend I am all high and mighty and that I have never done the same, but I do realize that is is pretty dumb.

More often I am heard uttering the words “Different Strokes for Different Folks” and each time I say or think those words, I realize how true they really are.

It goes without saying that each and every one of us has a different path in life, with different goals, things we hold important and different ideals on how to live life the way we want to as individuals, or as a family group.

For the last few months I have been on the receiving end of these stupid questions and moments of people just not getting me, but deciding that they wont give up until I prove my views or decisions to them.

And you know what?

I don’t have to do that.

Yes we purchased a business, and yes we work many hours.

Yes it is hard, and right now life is a bit of an extreme juggling routine, that sometimes gets rather stressful.

Yes it means in school holidays they kids have frequented vacation care, and yes it would be awesome to take time off and just hang with friends over the holidays, but new businesses don’t work unless you do.

Yes money is tight when starting out, but our Profit and Loss margin is none of your bloody business.

Yes I am enjoying working for myself, and getting out in the sunshine daily, but no I am unable to guarantee you that this is what I will be doing for the rest of my life – right now that is of no importance to you or me.

Perhaps you think our families choice in life is not the right one, but we are not asking your opinion.

Yes I am a tad crazy to add a Business Course into an already tight mix, and perhaps doing my assignments at 11:30 pm, was not the wisest idea – I worked that one out when I proof read them in the light of day.

Yes I am tired and not quiet there when it comes to finally catching up with you and I am the first to admit I am a bit of a bore to be around at the moment, when the exhaustion kicks in, my usual chatty self shuts down.

No it does not mean that I do not value our friendship, or that I do not want to be around you.

It does mean that I am wanting to just chill with my little family and soak up some time with us all four together.

Yes, you probably are right that I should get a second job.

Paying the bills has been rather tight with a new business.

You know what though? If and when I do that, it is up to me.

No, we are not having any more kids, we love our two children and are happy with our family unit of 4. Even before becoming parents, we always pictured ourselves with two.

That does not mean if someone chooses to have 8 kids (or none)  that their choice is wrong.

Wow, I  really am blabbering here again, but my message is rather simple.

Let’s stop judging each other and our choices in life.

Just because someone else is doing something that you perhaps would not choose to do yourself.

IT DOES NOT MEAN IT IS WRONG!

Chances are that person is judging themselves way more harshly then you ever will, and regardless, life is one huge wonderful challenge as it is, we really should be here to help each other out, not bring each other down with petty comments or judgments.

So I have made a decision, it is a pretty simple one.

Let us each walk our own individual paths.

We all have different ideals and goals in life. We all make different choices, and while I may not understand some that others make, as long as their life choices and pathways do not harm others, as long as they are happy with their choices, then I need to be happy for them.

Stop the judgment people.

Imagine how boring life would be if we all lived it exactly the  same?

Oh what a night

I went to bed at half past ten, ready to go to sleep.

All was quiet within the house, there was not even a peep.

Then the cat disturbed the calm, deciding the furniture needing wrecking.

I jumped out of bed and asked it to stop.

But it continued on it’s pecking.

Three times more I attempted to sleep.

Three times more the cat woke me.

Finally I covered the lounge with sheets

Hoping it would keep it scratch free.

Finally back in bed, my head hitting the pillow.

All of a sudden, a loud noise made me jump

When my little girl bellowed.

Up I ran into her room, to see what was the matter.

She was uncomfortable, and restless, waking with a clatter.

I lay in her bed to calm her down, and help her drift back to sleep.

Finally she was in snooze land again, after counting sheep.

Back to my bed I slowly crept, hoping for some rest.

Little did I know, there would be another little pest.

Little boy had a nightmare, waking with a fright.

He ran into our room, and boy what a sight!

He high jumped over his Dad, and landed right on me.

Snuggled up, and calm at last, he went back to the land of Zzzzzz’s

Finally

I thought I would get some rest, finally I would drift off to sleep.

Then pussy cat decided to jump up and lay on me.

“Oh what the heck” I thought

Let her lay there peacefully.

Then once again as I drift off, I wake up with a smack.

Little boy has accidently rolled on top of the cat.

I move them round and fix them up, and snuggle back in bed.

Then suddenly I feel a tap upon my head.

It was Miss 7, tired and upset.

For it was the bed she wet.

By now I was hanging over the side, son under one arm,

Cat under the other, not making a peep.

But I had to get up and change some sheets.

Into the laundry they were seen

On their way to become clean.

Dog was laying on the outside laundry floor.

Looking confused as she raised her paw.

She looked so comfy, I was tempted to just lay down and join her on the floor.

Time to get the cot mattress out of its plastic from under the bed.

She could not pull it out as the Foster cat was using it to lay her head.

The crinkles woke the cat with an awful fright,

She jumped on the bed, and jumped so high it was almost out of sight.

Finally, as the night became day,

Little girl became comfy in her own little way.

Cat had other ideas and begun to play.

With the crinkly plastic,

In a very loud way.

By this stage I decided even a marching band

Would not interrupt my own sleep plan.

After many hours of little sleep.

I finally got to get some zzzz’s

Then hubby’s alarm clock wakes with a squeal.

He groans that he is tired, and to get up is an ordeal.

I roll over and say.

“What a night”

He looks confused, I know I look a fright.

You see, while I had to fight for sleep.

While I had adventures when I did not want to hear another peep.

Dear Hubby lay on his side of the bed.

His pillow never left his head.

Low snores could be heard from him.

He never once woke despite of the din.

Time for him to get the van ready for work.

I bounded out for my own little perk.

As he prepared the coffee machine ready for the day.

I requested a coffee I would not have to pay.

He asked me what it was I would like.

Cappuccino, latte or flat white.

Sugar, how many?

He politely asked.

My answer was in my sleep deprived mask.

“Just give me coffee please, don’t ask”

Don’t Presume

As I sit here on a Friday evening, flitting between office work, laminating new price tags and getting myself organized for an early start for work tomorrow, I cannot seem to shake of this icky feeling that has been creeping up all day.

Hundreds of fellow franchise partners are currently kicking back in the middle of Australia, enjoying all that Uluru has to offer a the annual National conference.

The day has been full of photos of the rock, of camel rides around the rock, of games and goody bags, of limousine rides from the airport and cocktails by the pool.

Right now they will be dining at a gorgeous outdoor buffet, and tomorrow will be once again filled to the brim with activities, and a formal Gala dinner.

But we are not there.

It’s funny how others like to presume why, because it was expensive, or out of our reach – it wasn’t, it was very cheap, cheaper than we will ever be able to travel there again.

I will tell you why we are not there.

Because no one will look after our kids.

This leads to another presumption.

That we must live in a different city to our family.

We don’t, the closest family member is approximately 200 metres  down the road from us.

We just do not have family members that wish to play an active roll in our lives.

They loved to tell us their opinions of our children’s names, or our parenting styles, the love to make comments to others about us, or complain about things that affect them.

But they play no active part in our lives.

It is amazing the Facebook profiles that display family members hugging up to and playing with our children, the ironic thing is that may be one out of a handful of times in which they have done that.

We have a new business, and with any business, it has been a lot of hard work, many days in a row.

People presume we have a team of babysitters on call.

We don’t.

We have taken the kids to events with us on the weekend, kept them out way past their bed time, or tag teamed with each other so one is at home with the kids and one at work.

And others presume that the fact we have a business means we have unlimited supplies of cash to get a babysitter at any price.

We don’t.

Our business website and details mainly only show Jamie’s name, he was the only one who went to Sydney for the franchisee training course.

The franchise face book page ran hot that fortnight with photos of Jamie’s endless Barista training, and business training. The head of the company was photographed at the end of the training handing Jamie his certificates and gifts.

People think I was not there because I was not interested.

Purely, I could not go because no one would look after the kids.

Others presume that as individuals, we get plenty of “me time”

We don’t.

A recently single friend told me that only now she has become a single Mum, has she got so much more time to herself.

Ironic I know.

You see, like me, she had a husband whom worked long hours, leaving her to have main care of the kids.

Now she is single, people are offering assistance left, right and centre, and her ex has the kids at times too.

She has been on regular nights out, weekends away and even holidays.

I have been a Mum for 7 years and in that time have not had one whole child free weekend.

Others presume that the fact our daughter has not filled in any names for the form for Grandparents day at school is because her Grandparents are deceased, or live miles away.

They don’t .

She has not even asked to bring any of them along.

They just don’t play a part in her or her brothers life.

People presume because Jamie and I have been together for so long, our journey has been easy.

It hasn’t.

We have had our hurdles, and a lot of them, but we have stuck it out, and continued to grow.

It hasn’t been easy, in fact sometimes I have to say it has been bloody hard!

I bet you read this post and think I am a whinger.

A thankless/ungrateful whinger.

Perhaps I am.

Despite it all,

The missed chances, the hardships and hurdles.

I have one thing to be grateful for.

For being part of this awesome little gang of 4 people whom I get to call my family.

The way in which we have been treated, the things in which we regret, we get to make sure are not repeated.

While the unfortunate thing is too many people do not play an active part in these two gorgeous children’s lives.

I am so very grateful to be a part of theirs.

And while I moan and complain about the things we do not have in life, I never, ever, not once take for granted the fact that we were blessed enough to be parents to not one but two amazing little beings.

And when the tears are threatening to fall, and the dirty green eyed jealously monster comes out to play, and when I get away from Facebook so I can no longer play the “comparison game”, we take a moment to look at each other, and six simple words are said that make it all worthwhile .

“At least we have each other”

And you know what?

That’s worth it all.

Staying Soft in A Hard World

Thursday afternoon school pick up started as usual, Noah played on the playground while we waited for Kiara to finish school.

Then thisnews story  http://au.news.yahoo.com/latest/a/-/latest/18708796/cairns-gunmen-sighting-scares-kids/ developed, forcing the parents and students into “lock down” at the time in which the school bell would usually be ringing.

We hid under desks in the darkened, locked classroom for over 45 minutes, with the lock down siren blaring the whole time, and getting updates every 10 minutes over the school loud speaker.

When the police gave permission, we were all allowed to go.

The gunmen did not venture anywhere near the school, our school, along with other schools and businesses were put in lock down as a precaution, yet for hours afterwards I could feel my heart beating so loudly in my chest, and my nerves felt very shaken.

For days afterwards I felt as though tears were constantly threatening to spill from my eyes, and I found it really hard to articulate why, especially since others who went through the same thing seemed to be calm about it and moving on with their lives.

Then I realized what it was that got me feeling like this.

It was seeing my little girl huddled in a ball under her desk, giving me a feeble smile when I walked in.

It was watching my son’s wide eyes as he wanted to know what was going on.

It was the little girl in Kiara’s class who would let out sobs every now and then, and had a face white with fear.

It was the confident student teacher who came in for placement a few weeks ago, and choose Thursday to come back and visit this class, only this time she was huddled in a ball, looking absolutely terrified.

It was leaving the school at last and seeing a young boy whom had almost outgrown his Mum in height, absolutely sobbing in his Mums arms, and seeing his Mum holding back her tears at the same time.

It was answering my kids questions about the gunmen, and lying to them that they had been arrested, when in fact they hadn’t, purely because I did not want them to fear anymore.

It was the fact that although we live in a part of the world that many people only dream of visiting, although we feel safe as we walk our kids to the park, or play with them in the front yard, you can never ever really say that you are 100% safe in any place.

It was thinking of all those darling little kids and teachers whom have gone through school lock downs that have not had such a happy ending.

It was imagining what it must be like for some people in various parts of the world who have to live in fear every, single day.

It was the fact that my son has since had nightmares about gunmen, and that the kids at a birthday party we attended yesterday were role playing that a gunman was on the loose and they had to have a lock down.

Their pretend screams sent shivers up my spine.

Then I saw this picture on the internet.

I have seen it before, I love this quote, and I think it was just what I needed to see at that point in time.

When our kids practiced the Lock Down drill last year- (something I never even knew about when I went to school), a few of them were scared even in the practice, it was something we as parents imagined they would never have to use, and hope they never will have to use again.

I spent my time focusing on all the fear the whole situation instilled into these little people, but then I took the time to think of the great moments I also viewed.

I saw a group of 6 and 7 year old’s pool together their left overs from lunch and share with each other.

I saw my daughter passing her drink bottle around to those who were thirsty.

I saw a lovely girl crawl under the table with Noah and read him book after book.

I saw classmates cuddle their friend whom was very upset.

I saw a group of little people come together in a scary situation, and remain brave and calm, and beautiful.

I witnessed staff and teachers at the school put their own fears aside to look after the well being of their students.

I felt part of a community, that are there to look after each other when things get tough.

The tears are still threatening to fall at times, at moments when I catch myself thinking too much.

I’m not being naive or melodramatic, I know there was no moment of almost dying that day.

The thing I feared more than anything, was that somehow this whole thing would make innocent little kids start to believe that they live in a really horrible world.

And while there are some horrible people and horrible things that happen in this world.

It is not all hard.

We just have to remind ourselves of the soft parts.