I must Confess……

It has been a bit of a full on day today, I guess it has been a bit of a full on few weeks.

Life has been showing me what it is like to ride a roller coaster, and some days I just feel way too dizzy to work things out!

My mind is on a million and one things, and I am a tad exhausted, so what better thing to do then confuse you all with my verbal diarrhea of confessions!

Enjoy!

I Confess:

  • That I feel if I ever decide to give my daughter a day off of school “just because”, someone should promptly slap me in the face with a dead, rotten fish, that is wrapped in dirty, smelly socks. I thought it would be nice to chill together today, and have an impromptu day off, but the kids just used that time to fight non stop with each other.
  • The result of the above confession led me to locking myself in my room for a few moments to regain my composure after the kids just kept pushing the buttons.
  • Yep, you guessed it, I confess that I really am not the most consistent parent lately, I know I need to be more consistent, but I am just down right exhausted, and some times just can’t be bothered – yep, terrible I know.
  • I confess that I have a secret stash of chocolate – medicinal purposes.
  • Yesterday I found out that a Mum from school whose son has been in the same class with Kiara since prep is named Mandy NOT Pauline, like I have been calling her for almost a year and a half! I always thought I got some strange looks from her, but she NEVER corrected me, I only found out her real name yesterday when another Mum called out “Mandy”, now I have to retrain myself to use a totally different name to what I am used to!
  • The library actually have some pretty awesome DVDs that you can borrow for FREEEEEEEE!
  • Making business phone calls with kids fighting in the background makes it very hard to portray a professional manner (or hold onto sanity for that matter!)
  • I talk to inanimate objects.
  • I am over feeling sick and have my fingers and toes crossed that the ultrasound I have tomorrow will show what on earth is wrong.
  • Which brings me to feeling for people who live with disease or sickness every day of their lives, I do feel crap, but it could be so much worse.
  • I sometimes just lie on my kitchen floor no particular reason, I just like doing that.
  •  Today I accidentally stabbed myself with a screwdriver whilst trying to open Noah’s walkie-talkie.
  • I wish I was a better cook.
  • I confess that I am looking forward to Jamie working more family friendly hours soon, in fact I can’t wait.
  • I need a night out.
  • I am looking forward to chilling in front of the tv and watching Packed to the Rafters tonight.

Over to you now,

Do you have a confession you would like to share?

Please Be Gentle with me

Six months after my sister passed away, I sat trembling in a Doctors surgery.

I had been experiencing blinding headaches and was worried about them.

He checked me over, shone a light in my eyes, then rested back in his seat.

“I really don’t think it is anything to worry about, just headaches” he said

Then he smirked at me

“It is not as if you are dying of a brain tumour is it?!”

He thought he was making a joke with a 20 year old lady, and was probably confused as to why that same young lady raced out of his surgery in tears.

I do not think I am a hypochondriac, but I am well aware of how unfair and surprising life is at times.

Cancer, that fucking disease (excuse the language, but I feel it is needed here), has taken my big sister, 3 of my 4 Grandparents,  a grade 8 class mate, numerous friends, and is the one reason as to why I have attended the amount of funerals I have.

I hate this disease, absolutely fucking hate it.

I hate what it does, what it takes, what it prevents.

I HATE IT!

While I am on the hate party, I also hate Dr Google, that friggin thing has had me self diagnose myself far too many times for far too many scary things, and I hate to say it, but more often then not it is cancer.

Now don’t get me wrong, I do not think of cancer 24/7 and it is not as if I obsess over getting it, but it does cause me a bit of caution.

Two years ago a Doctor suspected I had a breast tumour, thankfully she was wrong, but I had already started fighting my battle in my mind.

A doctor was once dramatically alarmed at the result of my blood pressure test, once I told her in my quite, shaking voice that doctors scared me, she got me to take a walk, have a cool drink, take some deep breathes and return.

The next test was much better.

Thankfully, apart from my blubbering mess when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I do not make a habit of having break downs in doctors surgeries any more.

I am dealing with some health problems right now, and on Friday my doctor suggested I have some blood tests, as well as book in for an ultrasound and see a specialist (which I have to wait until August to see- but that is a whole other story).

Monday I get the call from the surgery that the results are back, I am right near by, so I duck in and visit them to get the results in person.

The receptionist informs me that the nurse needs to see me, so I take a seat with my energetic 4 year old and wait for 5 minutes.

The nurse comes to get us, and ushers me to a room.

“I am afraid that your results are of a nature that you will need to make an appointment with your Doctor to discuss them” she tells me.

My smile fades, my heart skips a beat.

I go back to the desk, find that I am not able to get an appointment that does not interfere with school drop offs and pick ups until 2 days later.

My anxiety kicks in.

My fears take over.

I start to worry about all the things that could be wrong.

Two days later I finllly get to see the Doctor, she must notice that I look a bit nervous when she ushers me into her room.

“I’m sorry” She says

“Our Junior Nurse is not permitted to discuss results with you, it seems you are just a bit low with your iron levels”

WTF????????????????????????

I had imagined myself with many diseases, got worked up and stressed out, finally calmed myself down.

I told friends how I felt.

I shared my heart and soul.

All to find out my fucking iron levels were low!

Oh please doctors, I am a bit delicate,

Please, be gentle with me.

I will fight for you

To my Children,

I am not perfect, no one is, and I am well aware of my emotional moments and lack of energy of late.

Mummy is not so well, and some days feel like a real battle.

The recent school holidays were a tad full on. As we know, one night right as Daddy walked through the door, home from work, with dinner ready on the table, I walked out.

A day of constant arguing with each other, and with me, of misbehaving, of back chat and bad manners and stressful moments, I felt my blood boiling, and my tether having been reached to its end. I picked up my car keys, told you all I was done and walked out.

Bad planning on my behalf, with no shoes, food splattered, sweat stained clothes, I was in no state to go treat myself to a coffee and cake as I would have liked…… so I did the groceries.

It was the break I needed.

We all hugged and apologized when I returned home, and while some days feel like a real battle between us , I want to let you know one thing.

I will always fight for you

You have both had moments in your life where I have found myself going to numerous doctors, until I would find one who would listen to me, and assist with your health issues.

Noah, as a baby, it took 6 doctors, and me crying all over the last one before we got to the bottom of your health dramas.

Kiara, we had to stand up for you so much when we found that the amount of glue you had in your ears had made you profoundly deaf, thankfully we finally were able to get grommets put in your ears, and have never looked back since.

No matter what life throws your way,

I will fight for you

Kids, I know you think I am mean when I tell you to pour your own drink, or get your own snack, when you ask me to do it for you.

I want you to learn to be independent, to do things for yourself and not think I am just your slave.

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Kiara, when you say you don’t want to go to school because someone is teasing you, I suggest ways in which you can handle it yourself, and keep a close eye that it is not getting out of hand.

I do not immediately step in, because I want you to learn early how to avoid conflict and resolve  situations, as one day you will be a teenager at your first job, and I will not be able to stand in for you then and fight your battles.

By teaching you to stand up for yourself and believe in yourself.

I am fighting for you

If there are areas that you both struggle in, and you need help, I will get it for you.

I am your Mum, I love you unconditionally, and want what is best for you.

I will fight for you

I am not here to make your life easy, just to guide you along it’s path, so some days you will wonder why I am not doing more for you, I just want you to know, I am not here to live your life, and some times you need to be the one to do the learning, just know, no matter how hard things get,

I am always here, fighting for you, and alongside you

I hope this week you saw some examples of how I am willing to fight for you.

Kiara, you had your cross country on Thursday, you had been looking forward to the day.

I stood at the starting line with you, prepared to take some photos, when you hugged me tight and tears poured down your face.

I asked what was wrong, and you told me you were too scared to run, you begged me to take you home, and your tears had turned into loud sobs by this stage.

There was no way I was taking you home, and I knew you would be upset when you realized you had not run the race, so without a thought, I threw my inappropriate shoes off, attempted to tuck my long, loose pants up, and prepared to run with you, holding your hand the whole way.

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I fought your battle with you

It was hard, damm hard.

2 days later, my calf muscles are still aching, and my feet are scarred from all those prickles I stood on.

We laughed along the way,

I was not feeling so well that day, and the pressure of running left me feeling rather ill for a good few hours, but it was all worth it,

Just to fight for you

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You were overjoyed when I picked you up from school that day to tell me that your sports team had won.

 I reminded you that by participating, you had contributed to their win, getting them a point for just completing the race.

That made you smile.

And Noah, this week

I have fought for you too

Despite being constantly told to stop mucking up at bath time, you both continue to run wild in there.

The day that we all predicted came.

You fell over in there while slipping and sliding and split you chin open.

I wanted to yell “I told you this would happen”, to both you, and your sister,

But I saw the fear in your eyes as the blood poured out.

Instead I held a towel to your cut, and hugged you close, letting you know

I would fight for you

I found a medical centre open, and got you in there, another emergency meant we had to wait a while.

Daddy met us there after his late shift.

I held your hand and whispered calm words as the Doctor glued your chin back together.

You looked so frightened.

I was there to let you know

I am always fighting for you

You have added a scar to your bank of scars, and we finally were able to get you and your sister home to bed, you chin will be better soon, and the Doctor was so lovely, despite being kept back at work well after his finish time.

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Kids, you need to know something, I know I seem cranky at times, I am emotional and drained, and doing my best.

I love you, even when life seems so tough.

I will fight for you

Mummy and Daddy have just purchased a new business  with one of the main factors for the purchase being the increase of family time it will allow us to have.

We are fighting for you

Know no matter what battles you have to fight in life, no matter what mountains you need to climb.

I am here, right beside you, every step of the way,

because, as your Mummy, I promise, every single day

I will fight for you

xoxo

Little Moments

I have been having a bit of a Facebook detox of late.

Just getting back to basics, taking a step back and simplifying things a bit more.

I do it at least once a year, when my mind starts feeling a bit mentally drained.

As we all know, the little moments continue to tick by, to appear at any given time, on any given day, so here I share with you some of my recent little moments.

All of these photographs have been taken in the last few weeks.

Enjoy!

Kiara collecting shells on a visit to the beach.  I love seeing how the beach calms my kids as much as it calms and soothes my soul. The beach is really my happy place.

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Noah found the meditation app I had downloaded to my phone.

He went on it and proceeded to follow all the instructions, it was beautiful to watch!

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Took the kids to the local zoo, the Bearded Dragon kept putting it’s paw against the glass as if to say “Hi!”

Noah was concerned with the fact this lizard had “Dragon” in it’s name and was waiting for it to breathe fire at us!

We got to see some other lovely animals, including Koalas, Cassowaries and Kookaburras, all wonderful Australian animals.

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The zoo also has the biggest snake I have ever seen!

It is a python that can grow up to 200kg in weight! arrghhhhhh!

Made me feel a bit uneasy after I found a snake skin in our backyard the other day……….. thankfully the skin was no where near as big as the one on this baby though!

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Pinterest inspired me to try out this funky hair style on Kiara and myself.

I recreated it for her for school today, along with some funky hair clips.

Kiara came home happy to announce that her friends think her Mummy is pretty clever, that made my day, seeing I usually lack any hair styling skills.

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Storm smiling at me through the dirty door.

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Whilst chilling out on the hammock, our dog Zen decided to join me for a cuddle!

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My dreams for a lovely backyard garden seem to be constantly hindered by two digging loving dogs, so I was pretty impressed to find this Desert Rose flowering in our backyard, saved by the dogs, beauty in among a huge mass of destruction.

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I got to ride in the back of the car with my kids recently.

It gave me a whole new perspective of travelling, seems like forever since I have been in the back of the car.

Kiara and Noah held my hands along the way, it was lovely.

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As I prepare to publish this post, this is the sight at my feet.

A short time ago a loud, unknown explosion went off in our neighborhood.

When I went out in the backyard to investigate, our two dogs raced inside, scared and shaking.

They have found a spot at my feet, and as I rubbed their tummies to make them know all is ok, they slowly calmed down.

It is not just them that are comfy right now!

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I hope things are well in your world right now,

and no mater what is going on,

may you find a moment in your day to take some time out

to think of the little moments in your life.

( Can I count on someone to remind me of this too?!)

The Boot Confusion

I live in Tropical North Queensland, Australia.

It is a a warm climate, with some years no need to even get one jumper out of the box when it comes to winter.

We are just coming out of a long, hot summer, where we have lived in light weight clothes and lots of use of the air conditioner and local swimming holes.

The last few days have brought a welcome change in the air, it has been a little cold, and wet, and I was delighted to have a chance to break out the jeans that have not been worn for ages, and dust off my one pair of boots.

My kids were surprised to see me in something so different, that Kiara asked to take a photo of me!

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With the school holidays on, Jamie and I have been doing a bit of job sharing to make up for the fact we have no outside care for our kids.

We met a friend and her kids for morning tea, ran some errands, and before I knew it, it was time for Jamie and I to do the work/ child swap over.

Rather than fully changing, I just swapped my top for my work shirt and continued on my way.

Sadly, throughout the course of the day my boots got more and more worn out and broken.

I completed my shift, and later returned home in time for dinner.

As we sat at the table, I mentioned to Jamie that my boots had broken.

He looked up from his dinner plate alarmed

“What?! What do you mean?! What happened? Are you ok?!”  he asked in a worried voice.

His deep concern actually confused me.

“Seriously, it is no big deal, they only cost me $20 from Kmart 2 years ago, it really is fine, even though they are nice and comfy, it is ok”

“Oh” he said as he breathed a huge sigh of relief

“That is good, I thought you said something else”

I was a bit confused at this comment, and how extremely worried he has seemed.

“What did you think I said?” I asked

“That my BOOBS had broken?”

He looked up sheepishly and nodded!

We had a chuckle together at the misunderstanding, big difference from my BOOTS and BOOBS breaking!

Everything to Everyone = Exhaustion

I have a confession.

I am exhausted.

Physically, Emotionally, Mentally………. I’m exhausted.

After mountains of paperwork, legal assistance, and personal research, we were are  delighted to have the bank approval our loan application for our very own business.

It is by no means the first business we have looked at purchasing, but it is definitely one that ticks all the right boxes for us.

The price was feasible for us, the hours mean my husband will FINALLY be home on weekends, and it is small enough that we will not have to employ anyone else. The franchise we are becoming part of is also a very supportive, wonderful team, which really appealed to us.

I am happy, I really do have a good feeling about this, but that does not stop my anxiety and the subsequent sleepless nights with me laying wide awake in bed thinking “What the F*#k have we done! OMG, that is a lot of money to borrow, FAR OUT!!!!!!!”

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Training in Sydney – some 3000 km away from our home town, and while I did all my research in order to attempt to attend along with my husband, I have now admitted defeat.

With no one to look after our kids for the week of training, I even researched taking them with us and getting child care down there. The tally of that situation was rather expensive as you can imagine!

A lovely friend offered to help, but with her kids as well, she would have a total of 5 children to look after, and a seemingly impossible school/kindy drop off situation, with all our kids spread across town.

I have to admit, I find myself a bit jealous of my husband.

He is originally from NSW, and his training trip coincides quite well with an old friends going away party, an opportunity for him to see many people from his teenage years.

He will also be trained in every aspect of our new business, including Barista training from a champion Barista – and here is the part in which I tell you my husband does not drink coffee!

I on the other hand love the stuff, and with the knowledge that he will be getting five star training at making something he doesn’t even drink is full on.

In among all this excitement, Miss 6 gets a chest infection, Mr 4 becomes ill and I get a sinus infection.

The anniversary of my sisters death also comes up, and as with every year, I think I am doing ok at last as the date approaches, but the actual day leaves me feeling flat and drained, and as with every year, those silent tears begin to fall, out of nowhere, unannounced.

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We got ourselves an awesome deal on a local second hand site for a great computer desk and office chair for our new business, but with a very small house, I end up having to move some of the kids toys around, in order to claim a little nook in the house for the desk.

I am exhausted after all the moving and tidying, vacuuming and sorting, but the desk looks great, and I am picturing what little things I can do to make it a bit better………… then the kids overtake it with their toys filling every spare surface of it, and make it as their own counter for their shop game. With toys spread out near it, my little professional space does not look so professional for long.

It is school holidays and the kids will not stop fighting, with little patience to start with, I feel my stress levels soaring through the roof.

Yet another day being spent at home, when I just want to escape……… somewhere, anywhere.

Then I walk into this:

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My kids cuddled up together, playing a game and showing some kindness towards each other for a change.

I made sure I complimented them on their lovely behavior.

So the paperwork continues, and the list of things to be done grows.

The house is a mess, my mind is fried.

But I WILL get there.

I’m stressed and anxious, confused and exhausted, but in among it all, I remind myself that nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I could do with a mini vacation, someone else to look after the kids and a moment to myself, but that is not going to happen, so instead, I am being a little more gentle on myself.

Reminding myself that I am only human.

And looking towards all the great things and goals life has to offer us right now.

I will get there, slowly.