I can’t make you love me.

Life would be so different had my sister not passed away.

But she did.

There would be a teenage girl out there with a Mum to watch her graduate from school.

There would be a lady in her 60’s, who had not been made to Mother her Granddaughter.

Maybe her hate for the world would not be so strong.

Maybe she wouldn’t hate me.

I would still have a sister, she would have got to be a Mum for longer than 2 years.

She would have got to be an Aunty to my kids, a sister in law to my husband.

A sister to me.

But life does not always turn out to plan.

My beautiful sisters body slipped from this world after a brave battle with cancer.

A toddler needed someone to care for her- My Mum took on that role. A hard one anyone would admit- no one wants to outlive their children, and no one expects to have to raise their own grandchild.

Life since my sister passed away became a roller coaster.

I grieved in private.

Mum grieved in public.

Neither way was the right way- but sometimes the fact we did things differently led to confusion with each other.

As the years went by, I met my husband, moved out of home- and out of my sharing role as caregiver to my niece.

We had her come for sleepovers, and tried to assist as best we could.

Little girls grow up into teenagers, with minds of their own.

Tensions soon rose, and an extra generation gap made things hard.

We offered to take my niece on, and into our home.

We thought we were helping, we thought we were giving them both a break, we thought we were going to allow Grandma and Granddaughter to work on being just that.

We thought wrong.

I was accused of kidnapping, of taking a teenager on in hope of making extra money.

I was degraded and put down and shut out.

I was belittled and yelled at.

It hurt.

It cut deep inside me.

I thought I was helping.

It seemed others felt differently.

I live in a fairly small town, and the words and whispers about what was being said about me got back to me regularly.

I would be honest in saying some would hurt so much that they would leave me huddle in the corner for hours in a mess of tears.

I became depressed, and prone to panic attacks.

This was no ones fault- I had just been trying to be strong for too long.

After 8 months my niece ran away from our home- no goodbye, no “lets keep in touch”, no reasons.

It hurt.

It really did.

It especially hurt my two kids who loved and adored their cousin and did not understand why she no longer talked to them.

She moved to her Grandparents 2000 kms away.

She deleted me off Facebook, stopped following me on Instagram and ceased all contact.

This was almost a year ago.

2 weeks ago she came back for a short visit to see some friends and attend a party.

I heard from other people.

There was no phone call, no “lets catch up”, nothing.

It hurt.

It really did.

Meanwhile, my Mum is still painting me as the most negative person she knows.

She tells others that she attempts to contact me, and I shut her out- she doesn’t.

We attempted mediation.

4 hours of facilitated mediation was more of an excuse for the woman who brought me into the world to label every little minute detail of what she hates about me.

Some people are Motherless Mothers due to their Mum passing away.

I am a Motherless Mother because mine wants nothing to do with me.

I cant make her love me.

That makes me sad.

I worry about her health.

About never regaining a healthy relationship with her.

I worry that my kids have 4 Grandparents in close proximity, and not one is an active part of their lives.

There is a young Woman in the other side of the state either about to, or already having Graduated from school.

No doubt she will look stunning in her formal gown.

It will be a special night for her.

I held that girl when she was 2 hours old, changed her nappies, read her books and sung her songs to go to sleep.

She was a huge part of my life, and a little reminder of my sister who is no longer here.

It makes me sad that she does not want to be in my life anymore.

I can’t make her love me.

I worry about my Mum too, health problems, being lonely and of all the things left unsaid.

Time got to the point that I had to ask for respect.

I had to say I was worth more then being put down and ripped apart.

The comments still flow through the pathways to me.

For a long time I let them slide off my back, but at times, like now they hurt me.

The tears have flown a little too freely of late.

I cant help that it hurts,I cant make that stop.

I cant stop wondering how different things would be had my sister never passed away.

Oh how I wish she never left us- but she did, and I cannot change that.

I also wish I had a functional relationship with two very important people in my life.

But I don’t.

I just need to accept that I can’t make someone love me.

It hurts.

But it is real.

I can’t make you love me.

I wish I could.

But I can’t.

Little Moments

I have been having a bit of a Facebook detox of late.

Just getting back to basics, taking a step back and simplifying things a bit more.

I do it at least once a year, when my mind starts feeling a bit mentally drained.

As we all know, the little moments continue to tick by, to appear at any given time, on any given day, so here I share with you some of my recent little moments.

All of these photographs have been taken in the last few weeks.

Enjoy!

Kiara collecting shells on a visit to the beach.  I love seeing how the beach calms my kids as much as it calms and soothes my soul. The beach is really my happy place.

Noah found the meditation app I had downloaded to my phone.

He went on it and proceeded to follow all the instructions, it was beautiful to watch!

Took the kids to the local zoo, the Bearded Dragon kept putting it’s paw against the glass as if to say “Hi!”

Noah was concerned with the fact this lizard had “Dragon” in it’s name and was waiting for it to breathe fire at us!

We got to see some other lovely animals, including Koalas, Cassowaries and Kookaburras, all wonderful Australian animals.

The zoo also has the biggest snake I have ever seen!

It is a python that can grow up to 200kg in weight! arrghhhhhh!

Made me feel a bit uneasy after I found a snake skin in our backyard the other day……….. thankfully the skin was no where near as big as the one on this baby though!

Pinterest inspired me to try out this funky hair style on Kiara and myself.

I recreated it for her for school today, along with some funky hair clips.

Kiara came home happy to announce that her friends think her Mummy is pretty clever, that made my day, seeing I usually lack any hair styling skills.

Storm smiling at me through the dirty door.

Whilst chilling out on the hammock, our dog Zen decided to join me for a cuddle!

My dreams for a lovely backyard garden seem to be constantly hindered by two digging loving dogs, so I was pretty impressed to find this Desert Rose flowering in our backyard, saved by the dogs, beauty in among a huge mass of destruction.

I got to ride in the back of the car with my kids recently.

It gave me a whole new perspective of travelling, seems like forever since I have been in the back of the car.

Kiara and Noah held my hands along the way, it was lovely.

As I prepare to publish this post, this is the sight at my feet.

A short time ago a loud, unknown explosion went off in our neighborhood.

When I went out in the backyard to investigate, our two dogs raced inside, scared and shaking.

They have found a spot at my feet, and as I rubbed their tummies to make them know all is ok, they slowly calmed down.

It is not just them that are comfy right now!

I hope things are well in your world right now,

and no mater what is going on,

may you find a moment in your day to take some time out

to think of the little moments in your life.

( Can I count on someone to remind me of this too?!)

Brave Love

We have friends whom are going through a bit of a tough time at the moment.

The husband has been in hospital for a month now, after being sick for some time, he is more than aware of the feeling of pain, nausea, exhaustion, and feeling trapped inside a confined hospital room.

It has been a long, hard road for him, with a long way ahead before he can say he is 100% again.

With many tubes and wires hanging out from him for some time, and having been put in a medically induced coma, he understandably did not want visitors for a bit.

We finally got to go visit him last week, he looked better than I expected, yet a lot smaller than the guy we have become used to, also a lot paler, and that look of exhaustion written all over him.

I thought I had a pretty strong stomach, but after hearing some of the stories of horrific medical procedures he has endured, I found myself going fuzzy, and ended up sitting on the floor before I passed out!

I met this man through his wife, whom I became friends with first.

We have had an amazing friendship.

I look at this woman, and see a strong, amazing, generous, beautiful soul.

The only fault I can point out is that she does not see the person we all see, her ideas of herself are so low, she has no idea how absolutely amazing she is.

She has been there for me through so much; she is easily one of my closest friends in life, someone I am blessed to know.

However, this story is not about us, it is about her, and about them as a couple and a family.

On top of having her husband in hospital, she has their 3 children to care for, with their middle child having his own share of recent health concerns.

Recent windy, rainy weather resulted in a leaky roof, their fridge also decided at that point to play up, and she also took on a pregnant foster dog, assisting this beautiful creature in giving birth to 11 puppies. Unfortunately one passed away soon after birth.

For days before this dog gave birth, my dear friend had many sleepless nights checking up on her, she told me that she remembered only too well how scary giving birth is, and did not want the dog to go through the same thing alone.

This is the kind of person she is.

On top of everything else, there is of course the financial strain of endless medical bills, and the fact that their main breadwinner is off work for an unknown period of time.

I think of love, and I think of this couple.

A woman who is drained, exhausted and battered, yet she continues to take the long journey to hospital every day to see the love of her life.

I see a wife who had to assist her husband with even the most basic of skills such as showering; a task which I hear could take up to an hour to complete each day.

I see a man who hates that his family have to see him like this, his oldest boy just wanting his Daddy home with him, and who gets upset regularly about how sick his Daddy is.

Love is beautiful, it is about finding your soul mate, and sharing your life with them, it is about the happy times, about laughter, beauty and passion, it is about those butterflies in your tummy and the wonderful moments you create together.

However, love is real; it is about sharing everything with another person, the good and the bad, the sickness and the health.

So to my dear friends, this is my gift to you, it is not much, but it is words, I know using spoken words I sometimes get tongue tied and messed up, so I decided to write this post just for you. Even then I feel that I am lost for the exact words to say how awesome you all really are.

Life has thrown your family more than your fair share of drama lately.

I know you are both feeling more than a tad overwhelmed.

I just want to tell you both that I look at you as individuals, and a couple, as well as a family, and all I see is love and strength.

You are all there for each other when you need it the most.

You all love each other unconditionally, through thick and thin, hard times and good.

To my dear friends, I know you don’t feel it now, but others look at you and are inspired.

You may not feel brave, or strong, you may feel that you have nothing more left in you to give, but you are and you do.

I look at you all and I am amazed by the love you all have.

The love you have is strong, and tough, it’s brave and beautiful, the love you have is real.

That is something so many people only dream of.