Last week I had a mini melt down.
We have loads going on in our life at the moment, and while I can see it is certainly not anywhere near as much as some families have to deal with, the load had begun to weigh me down.
I stopped for a moment, to think of the things that were causing me a bit of tension, the feeling of being uneasy, and the list was longer than expected.
Between family crisis, renovations, our daughter starting school (and suddenly not wanting to be there anymore, as well as me really missing her), job issues, zero family time, budgeting, Narcissit’s , and a few other issues added into the works, I realised I had at least a dozen little and not so little dramas on my hands that were amounting to a big load of pressure.
I felt drained, sucked of energy, completely zapped. I had that niggling feeling that I needed to slow down, take time to just breathe.
The lovely Chelle from Getting Sorted Each Day As It Comes has been open enough to share her experience with anxiety in the past, something I, as well as others have been grateful for, and something I have been able to relate to.
After breaking down in tears, overwhelmed and over it all, I was not able to ignore the signs anymore, I knew it was time to slow down, or burn out from exhaustion.
That night, as I lay in bed, my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest, If I didn’t know better, I may have thought I was having a heart attack. I felt out of control, scared, and overwhelmed.
“Breathe” I told myself “Just breathe”, and as I took slow, deep breaths, the fear of the anxiety attack I was having subsided.
I needed to slow down, to just be.
It was difficult, in an ideal world that would involve chilling in bed with a book, and just taking it easy, but there was a huge shift at work to go to the next day, and a weekend of looking after my 2 energetic children by myself. I just told myself to take it as slow as I could, given my situation.
I was finally starting to feel a bit more like myself, more calm, in control, and relaxed…………. then I had my accident!
I slipped over, landing on my bottom, and having the full force of my fall shatter throughout my entire body, leaving me winded, and in pain to simply walk.
I had to drive home afterwards, with a car full of groceries, and 2 kids to look after. Once I got home, I thought I was manoeuvring the car correctly into the garage………. but I was wrong!
Suddenly I heard a big crunch, I knew I had hit the garage door.
I straightened up, parked the car, got out and saw a huge scratch across our bumper bar.
What did I do?
I started laughing, loud, uncontrollable laughter. Kiara asked why I was laughing, what was so funny? I know realise Mummy may have looked a bit manic in her little eyes.
“I really don’t know sweetheart, I think that sometimes you have the choice between laughing and crying, and right now I am just going to laugh”
It is now 3 days on, my back and bottom is still sore (thankfully not as sore as it was), life is still full of challenges, speed bumps, and moments that stop us in our tracks.
I realise I am still not healed enough to participate fully in my dance class tonight.
But you know what? I will dance again, that’s all that really matters.
Last week I got overwhelmed, and that’s ok.
I allowed small minded comments to hurt me, and that’s ok.
I felt lost, confused, and drained, and that’s ok.
I will pick myself up, dust myself off, and get ready to start afresh.
Life, I have something to say to you:
“You may have broken my butt, but you have most certainly not broken my Spirit!”