I find most years my birthday is an anti climax.
I don’t know if it is that we put so much pressure on it to be “the perfect day”, or that as I get older the day that marks another year older just loses its child like excitement.
There were no expectations for my birthday this year.
It has been a really tough year so far.
This is what I looked like 4 months ago
This photo is on my phone, I feel sad when I look at it I can see the sadness in my eyes.
I refuse to delete it as I want to see how far I have come from this day.
I did think I had come a long way, to the point that I skipped into the doctor’s surgery a month ago and told him I was ready to come off the anti depressants, life was looking up, I had worked through my issues, and it was time to do it alone.
“Too soon” he simply said as he shook his head.
Statistics say that those who go off their medication within the first six months are more likely to relapse soon after.
I spoke with him, proved how I was feeling so much better, and excited about what lay ahead for me. I agreed to continue my medication, but we both felt I was moving forward.
Then in the last few weeks I have gone backwards again.
That slow aching feeling in my chest.
The exhaustion that takes over.
The feeling of being out of my depth and overwhelmed.
Last night I broke down, I told my husband that I hated feeling like I was going “back there”.
I hate the feeling that I will always be in that hole, never digging myself out.
That is not going to happen, I look at that photo above and see how far I have come, even if it is only little steps, that lady is not me anymore.In fact as I type this my husband walked past the computer and said “holy shit, who is that?!”, a good sign to me.
But I move on………….
After an emotionally draining night, I decided to get up early today (on my birthday) for a walk to blow the cobwebs out of my mind. I asked my daughter if she wanted to join me, she was excited to come along.
We walked, we talked, we pointed out gardens we liked, we smiled.
Then we came to some graffiti at a train bridge. It struck my heart
The words simply said :
“You can save yourself”
I wished right there and then I had my camera to take a photo. I loved those words, so simply, so pure, and so true.
“I can save myself” I thought as we continued to walk.
A block away a cat came bounding across the road, meowing and begging to be petted, we sat down and stroked it.
As we commenced to walk on, it lay down in the middle of the road, with a car fast approaching , I quickly picked it up and moved it off the road.
“You just saved that cat Mummy” Kiara said.
I can save myself AND cats !
So we walked the rest of our journey home, just as we almost reached the corner of our street, Kiara remembered what the day was and shouted “oh, Happy Birthday Mummy! I almost forgot!”
We got home, had breakfast, changed out of our sweaty clothes.
I decided to put on a nice dress, do my hair and wear some nice earrings it was my birthday after all! I felt good about myself, and happy with the start to my day.
I looked in the mirror.
I do have a way to go still.
There are many things I need to work on.
But I am happy to say that there is a big difference between that lady 4 months ago and the lady I am today.
That lady saved herself.