I did something new this morning………… I swallowed my first anti-depressant tablet.
The irony is not lost on me, the lady who goes on about the benefits of gratitude, the lady who has received the most lovely emails and messages from people saying how they wish they were as positive as me, that same lady is on anti-depressant.
I have even had a chuckle at this situation (although it is not funny).
It also brings me shame to admit that only a few weeks ago I made a comment on being confused as to why a friend of mine who seems to have it all together is taking an anti-depressant.
Time to eat my words.
After crying for hours on end for most nights this week, with the slightest thing setting me off, after anxiety attacks, and the constant feeling of walking through a cloud of fog, after realizing that I was no longer taking the joy from life that I normally find, after all of that I begged my husband to come to the Dr with me.
I’m glad he did, he had to do the talking for the first 5 minutes of the consult……….. I couldn’t talk through my tears.
The Dr was lovely, he explained that we all have our stress thresholds, and I have reached mine and just keep going over it.
In recent months we have had to deal with:
*Phase #567 in our renovations, but what is without a doubt the most extensive part of our renovations that have been going on and off for the whole 9 years we have lived here.
*unexpectedly taking our 15-year-old niece on (just as renovations commenced)
*Family dramas with extended family
* Financial issues
* Miss 5 finding the change in our house hard and commencing to have 2 hour daily screaming fits
*My husband working long hours, and every weekend, meaning we only get family time in school holidays.
And of course many other little things in between.
I had been attempting to deal with it myself, thinking just a few quiet afternoons in the hammock with a book and a cuppa was all I needed.
I was wrong.
So here I am, where I never thought I would be, but where I need to be right now.
I have started a “Happy Book”, and I am going to write down the things that make me happy at the end of each day.
The Dr suggested I take the time each day to look back on my gratitude project as well, for some inspiration.
In two weeks I commence cognitive behavioural therapy.
Hopefully by then the anti depressants have started to kick in.
I have used every inch of my courage to share this story with you, if there is anyone reading this who feels down, lost and stressed, and it is just not going away by itself, please do something about it, do something for yourself, go to your doctor.
Now I really know how horrible it is to fall into that dark pit of despair.
Now it is time to get out.