Getting back to Me

I did something new this morning………… I swallowed my first anti-depressant tablet.

The irony is not lost on me, the lady who goes on about the benefits of gratitude, the lady who has received the most lovely emails and messages from people saying how they wish they were as positive as me, that same lady is on anti-depressant.

I have even had a chuckle at this situation (although it is not funny).

It also brings me shame to admit that only a few weeks ago I made a comment on being confused as to why a friend of mine who seems to have it all together is taking  an anti-depressant.

Time to eat my words.

After crying for hours on end for most nights this week, with the slightest thing setting me off, after anxiety attacks, and the constant feeling of walking through a cloud of fog, after realizing that I was no longer taking the joy from life that I normally find, after all of that I begged my husband to come to the Dr with me.

I’m glad he did, he had to do the talking for the first 5 minutes of the consult……….. I couldn’t talk through my tears.

The Dr was lovely, he explained that we all have our stress thresholds, and I have reached mine and just keep going over it.

In recent months we have had to deal with:

*Phase #567 in our renovations, but what is without a doubt the most extensive part of our renovations that have been going on and off for the whole 9 years we have lived here.

*unexpectedly taking our 15-year-old niece on (just as renovations commenced)

*Family dramas with extended family

* Financial issues

* Miss 5 finding the change in our house hard and commencing to have 2 hour daily screaming fits

*My husband working long hours, and every weekend, meaning we only get family time in school holidays.

And of course many other little things in between.

I had been attempting to deal with it myself, thinking just a few quiet afternoons in the hammock with a book and a cuppa was all I needed.

I was wrong.

So here I am, where I never thought I would be, but where I need to be right now.

I have started a “Happy Book”, and I am going to write down the things that make me happy at the end of each day.

The Dr suggested I take the time each day to look back on my gratitude project as well, for some inspiration.

In two weeks I commence cognitive behavioural therapy.

Hopefully by then the anti depressants have started to kick in.

I have used every inch of my courage to share this story with you, if there is anyone reading this who feels down, lost and stressed, and it is just not going away by itself, please do something about it, do something for yourself, go to your doctor.

Now I really know how horrible it is to fall into that dark pit of despair.

Now it is time to get out.

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12 thoughts on “Getting back to Me

  1. Lots of hugs — I am there myself dealing with similar situation, though against doctors orders who are pressuring me to ‘take something now” @ almost 38 weeks pregnant I have decided to ‘hold off’ on taking anything – and hope that then I won’t need to, though there will be no shame about it if I do go down that path. Power to you girlfriend, it is a strength to ask for some help and the only way is up from here! Glad to have connected, you are not alone x

  2. Feel no shame and eat no words – we walk our own lines and make choices each day as we move forward. Today you are walking your line. Biggest hugs to you. Be gentle with yourself and take care. ADs take various amounts of time to work so don’t start to worry if in 2 weeks they are not at full throttle (can take 2 weeks to 2 months depending on the person and med). CBT was a lifesaver for me when I had PND and I still draw on the skills i was taught all the time. Sending you strength and love Alicia – you are a wonderful person – don’t forget that xx

    • Thank you so much for your kind words Deb, I am lucky to have a wonderful support network around me, I will get there, slowly but surely.
      I am glad to hear your CBT eperience was a positive one, I am actually looking forward to starting it myself.

  3. Oh hun – do not be hard on yourself about this even one tiny bit. I too take antidepressants – i have been on them for 2 years now and I do not have a single regret, in fact they have probably saved my family from watching me fall into a massive black hole. Be kind to yourself and just go with it, you will find happiness again. I honestly dont care if I am on them for life, because I can smile and laugh and enjoy everyday rather than wanting to just hide away. My husband has his wife and my kids have their mum and I love life again.
    Deb is right, they do sometimes take a while to take affect. for me, I felt different after a month. After 2 weeks the fog started to lift and then after a month I felt so much lighter and happier.
    I am so glad you are taking these steps – you are too gorgeous a soul to let depression dull your glow. big Hugs hun xxx

    • Thank you for your honest, lovley words Sonia.
      I am happy to hear that anti deppressants have worked wo well for you.
      I will get there slowly, feeling a bit exhausted now, but taking it all slow.
      Kind, caring, supportive words like those from you really help me in this time.
      Love and hugs Alicia

  4. I remember reading this, and was certain I had left a reply, but it must have been one of those “distracted by child destroying something at last minute” moments…
    How are you going now, are you starting to feel an improvement? AD’s are tricky things, sometimes it takes a little while to find the right one for you. I actually tried a number of different types before finding one that really started to make me feel better. It’s a bit of a hard slog, but definitely worth it in the end. Much love to you xx

    • Hi Jane, I think you did leave a reply on the face book page, thank you! I have had my up and down days, taking nothing for granted, but happy to say I have been mostly good this week, it is a long haul, but I will get there. Hope all is well for you xoox

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