I am a crier. I cry on many occasions, when I am sad, angry, hurt, frustrated, tired.
Once I even cried when quitting a job that I hated!
I even cry for good reasons, when I am so happy I could burst, when I am proud of something or when someone has touched my heart.
Sitting poolside at my children’s swimming lessons, I have been known to pull the sunglasses down over my face when those tears of pride unexpectedly spring up, watching two children who used to be afraid of water swim, jump and dive with smiles of joy on their faces makes me feel so proud of their achievements.
I used to think that the fact I was prone to crying so easily made me a weak person, now I just accept it is part of who I am.
When I first found out I was going to be a Mother, I sat on our kitchen floor, positive pregnancy test in my hand and just cried, it seemed like the tears lasted for ages, and I finally knew the meaning of the words “I was just so happy I could cry”.
The happy tears continued when I got to hold my babies for the first time, big tears of happiness.
I cried as I looked into Kiara’s eyes and said “Hello, I am your Mummy”,
And I cried as I attempted to soothe Noah, as he was born screaming, I held him in my arms, tears streaming down my face and whispered “Its ok baby, Mummy has you, you are going to be ok”
Hell, I am even crying as I type this, and the memories come back to sit with me.
There has been a mixture of tears in my house of late.
We are renovating our house, along with having suddenly taken in my teenage niece.
Finances have been stretched, and there have been some moments of stress and anxiety of how things will turn out.
Being a overthinker does not help either.
At looking at our finances, I came to the decision that we would have to take Jazmine, Kiara and myself out of dancing. I was fine to let it go, I love going every week, I am looking forward to learning more, but it is not the end of the world.
As I told the girls that we may have to give up dancing, I saw Kiara trying to be so brave, but visibly hurt.
“Its ok Mum” she said
“I will just do hip hop instead”. Then I had to tell her that hip hop was also classed as dancing!
I knew it wasnt the end of the world, that children learn that sometimes we just cannot always get what we want, but then I also felt so miserable for the fact they were going to miss out.
As I peered through the window of the dance studio while Kiara had her last class for the term , the lump started to form in my throat again.
Here was my confident little girl twirling around the room, watching herself in the mirror with the biggest, brightest smile on her face.
I’m about to take that away from her.
I knew we could have discos at home, and that compared to many children, she is blessed, but it did not stop me from feeling miserable.
I cry every time I see her on stage, not because I have ambitions for her to be a famous dancer, or to be the best in the class, but because I am so extremely proud of the effort and courage she puts into getting up on stage.
Man, you must all think I am such a big sook by now!
Then Jamie’s Gran got word of the situation, she asked if she could help pay for Kiara’s dance fees.
I assured her we would be fine, and thanked her for her thoughts.
She told me she would not take no for an answer and insisted that she help.
I promised we would pay her back.
“No need” she said, “I have more than I need, and am happy to help, in fact helping you out has made me feel really great”, and this huge smile spread across her face.
I told her if she wouldn’t let me pay her back, then I promise to pay it forward, and one day down the track when my children, or my children’s children need a hand, I will help them.
As I drove off, I thought of the reaction I would get from Kiara when I got to tell her that she would continue to dance after all………………..
And then the tears began to roll once again.